my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
