So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
