i wish my penis had a tongue
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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