Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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