Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
