I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
