tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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