happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Randomize