apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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