Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
