Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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