I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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