I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
