i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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