I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
