note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
