I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
