I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
