Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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