I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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