Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
