he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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