So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
