I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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