was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
