i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
