remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I lost the right to judge tonight
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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