I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
love makes seman taste better
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
