I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
