anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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