I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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