Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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