The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
