i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
