What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
