I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I smell like Dick and happiness
Never underestimate the power of titties
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
