He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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