On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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