like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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