I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
