Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
