i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
