Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wish they made helmets for livers.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
