im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
