I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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