I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
