the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
