I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
