real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
