Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
