This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
